12/06/2025
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'The ecology of my shame'
It started as an 'assignment' from my therapist. She'd said something along the lines of - "Draw out your emotions. Think about what depression, anxiety - all these other feelings you have - think about what they look like. This isn't something you have to share with me or anyone you know, or even post online, unless you decide to after. So, don't think about making it look good or having it make sense. Draw how you feel."
That's how it started. Shame is the big word we use, my therapist and I. And when I tried to picture my shame, I saw nothing, but I thought about all the things that bring me shame. The disonance between my perceived gender and the one I want to really present as. My sexual desires. The fact that I'd let my guard down and invited a practical stranger to my room. The drinking, the smoking, lying to my mother about the drinking and smoking.
But when I opened up a new canvas, let my mind go blank, this is the image it produced through my hand.
My shame is an ecosystem of organisms, alive and in my lungs, drowning me from within.
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I thought I knew what a downward spiral looked like. I thought, surely the worst is behind me. I have learned not to resort to blades to deal with the pain in my heart and mind.
If only I knew.
12/06/2025. It's weird how the MM/DD/YY format feels more natural to me now. I've only been here for two and a half years and I've adopted the American date format. A part of me, the part that knows I won't stay here forever, worries if I'll get the date mixed up when I'm not in this country anymore. Will it be December 6 that leaves a stain, or June 12?
I'd come too far to go back to my old ways. Besides, I'd gotten rid of all the blades. For the next month and a half, I stayed isolated in my room, stuck in the same place I'd been assaulted in. I distracted myself, and I did it well. I've had years of experience.
The [ ] server helped. Talking to all these new people online, drawing together, playing video games and watching movies together, it helped. I could almost pretend like I had a whole different life, with all these different people in my life. I spent my money on useless shit, didn't sleep, barely ate.
But the wound was too fresh.
I never understood people who drank their pain away. Until now.
And like every good thing that comes my way, I had to let it go, leave the server. I'd formed an unhealthy attachment, you see. I really miss them.
What's funny is, I barely think of him. Well, I am now, but usually, it's like he doesn't even exist. This pain, anger, shame, they just swirl inside me with no source, which makes it worse. If only I could direct it all at him. Unfortunately, that would mean that he'd be on my mind, all the time. I don't fucking want that.
Here's one thing I can count on though. No matter what, I can always create. No one can take that away from me. I won't let them.