'cherry-colored funk'

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'on a fool's errand'



I blame the movies and TV shows I was raised on for my warped outlook on love. This notion that you'll find 'the one'. Your one true love. Knights in shining armor, grand confessions and gestures. Always excessive and dramatic.

The reality is, love is simpler than all that, intangible and therefore, all the more confusing. I have loved so many people, silently, violently, but it is all love at the end of the day. I fall quick and hard, and when a relationship inevitably ends*, a part of me gets left behind with the person I love. Because I never really stop loving anyone, you see. It's beautiful and tragic in a sense. Maybe I'll never feel whole, because I'm always giving so much of myself away.

And still I search, for my one true love, knowing such a person doesn't exist.

I'm on a fool's errand. A never-ending quest that is destined to fail.



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They all end through some fault of my own. Sometimes I feel like I trick people into falling for me, so when it feels like they really do love me, sincerely, wholly, I feel ashamed, undeserving of their sincerity.

Because as much as I want love, want to be seen and known, the minute it starts to feel real, I pull back.

It's a scary thing, to be truly percieved.

So, I end things. Always. Sometimes, its by slowly pulling away until my partner says the words to make it official, or I'm the one to cut things off.